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托福写作高分关键要素深度解析

2018-07-31 11:33:42来源：新东方

　　考过托福的人知道，阅读听力满分易，口语写作满分难。那么问题来了，怎么样才能获得托福考官在主观题部分的青睐?功哥以托福写作为例，抛砖引玉，让大家从一个不同的维度思考。

　　来源：新东方 Michael

　　下面给大家看一位写作21分的同学写的独立作文，这是新东方首考班写作真题中的一篇习作。附上功哥对这篇作文的批(吐)改(槽)，已更正部分低级拼写错误，其他原文呈现。

　　独立作文题目

　　Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: Students now are more interested in politics than those in the past.

　　With the globalization of the whole world(万能开头稍显弱，还有whole world这种画蛇添足的词汇，难道后面要分part world写?), politics are playing a more important role nowadays, both domestically and internationally. Thus, I agree that students have more interests in this area than those in the past for two reasons.

　　First, the advanced technology, such as high-speed Internet, multi-media and smart mobile phone(什么是smart mobile phone，难道有smart phone不能mobile吗?), allows more students access to the politics events. The technology lay an essential foundament(是foundation吧) for students to keep in touch with those activities. For example, the presidency competition between Hiliton and Trump is getting more dramatic. Lots students(Lots是败笔) would watch the TV argument between them by phone, portable computer(什么是portable computer，专业一点就是laptop和ipad吧) and so on(等等等等……考官看中国考生文章会出现无数so on，审美疲劳有没有). They could even(上下句之间有even的递进关系吗，不明显) watch the live program as they are waiting for a bus, share their opinions on the internet while they are in the washroom and hear the speech in their car driving home. Therefore, the convincing efficiency and entertainment attract more and more(这篇作文good肯定是没戏了) students to focus on this politic event. However, students in the past even don't know how to watch the program(神转折，脑子里想的和表达出来的完全不是一个意思，过去的孩子怎么就不知道看电视节目了!他们又不是弱智!是没电视节目看!是没方便的途径!是However, students in the past lack the plentiful sources to approach politics compared with their counterparts nowadays的意思对伐).

　　Moreover, the more open, transparent and friendly(堆这么多形容词……哎!请注意言之有物!) politic atmosphere provide a great chance for modern students to got involved(时态错了) in these politic activities. Take China for an example(有这种惯用表达吗，我们不是莎士比亚), students beyond 18 years old have the right to vote for political members, like chairman of the students union, which were used to be nominated by school in the past without permitting students to decide who they support and are supposed to be chairman(亲，这么长一句话知道自己在写什么吗?扣分句). This right just inspire the student to choose their own president(这么草草收尾，这论证有点意识流啊!).

　　In a conclusion, the advanced equipments and the openess to ordinary studentsthe bring more students to join in the politic events(这什么意思?什么叫openess to ordinary students?难道还有special students?是不是想说More students are willing to talk about even participate in political events by the help of advanced technologies and increasing civic attitudes toward politics.).

　　(计时写作，全文274词)

　　这篇习作拿到托福考试中，很难达到GOOD要求，通俗讲就是 " 亲，不谈论证逻辑，不扯思维深度，就是语言，哥读的有点累啊，有地方要脑补啊，很多句子连不上啊!"

　　那么一篇good标准的独立文章长什么样?还是以该题目为例，不改变上文的立场，不颠覆上文逻辑，尽量保持思维角度的一致性，仅从语言和论证严谨度来修改一下，计时创作一篇。 第二页精彩继续...

本文关键字: 托福写作高分 托福写作要素 托福写作

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