托福写作从Fair到Good怎么做

　　很多同学会有这样的疑惑：我感觉自己的作文写的挺清楚的，完全按照老师所教的写作框架完成的，可是为什么分数总是在20分左右，不能再进一步考到25分左右，也就是good档呢?

　　来源：合肥新东方

　　事实上，写作的分数远不是简单的文章结构所能决定的。每一篇文章的分数应该定在什么档次都是有一定依据的，这个依据就是OG的评分标准。

　　接下来我们就来看看4分作文和3分作文的评分标准的区别到底是什么?

　　4分作文和3分作文的差别

　　1. 4分作文对与文章的话题的展开十分详细和贴切。而3分作文虽然对话题有一定的展开，但是可能论述并不够充分，只是有一些比较空洞的道理论证。

　　2. 4分作文和3分作文虽然都展现了文章的统一性，推进性和连贯性。但是4分作文只有一些很少的句意重复、离题或者不清楚的联系，而3分作文会有大段的重复或无关内容，以及句意的断层。

　　例如：

　　First of all, students will be motivated if they are taught by different teachers. As we all know, students need to learn variety subjects, and they also need stay in school a whole day. 【1】If they taught by only one teacher all day alone, they will be tired about same teaching plan. It will decrease the quality of study. However, this situation will not come out if students taught by different teachers. Take my brother as an example. 【2】He has a tuition every weekend with a same teacher. He always told me that he thinks it is very boring about same method of teaching. He said, he does not want to continue in the afternoon.

　　例如这个学生的作文道理论证【1】和例子【2】内容几乎一模一样，出现了大段重复内容，违反了段落论证的推进性的要求-----从抽象到具体。

　　3. 4分作文和3分的语言表现也是不同的。4分作文能体现不同的句式和多样性的词汇表达，虽然有少量语法错误，但是并不影响句子的理解。而3分作文语言表意往往不够清晰，主要是词汇量和语法基础薄弱而导致。

　　例如：

　　写作业的时候听音乐会降低学习效率。

　　4分：Doing homework and listening to music at the same time will decrease(hinder) studying efficiency.

　　3分：Students write homework and listen to music, this will spend a lot of time.

　　很明显3分的句子不容易被人所理解：This 指的是什么?是指写作业和听音乐吗?如果是指写作业和听音乐的话，这句话就会变成“写作业和听音乐会花很多时间”，将和想表达的“写作业的时候听音乐会降低学习效率”完全脱离关系。

　　今天要解析的题

　　Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

　　It is more enjoyable to have a job, and you work only three days a week with long hours rather than work five days a week with shorter hours.

　　Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

　　感谢G同学提供稿件~

　　Part1

　　There are more and more people think they want more holiday from Monday to Sunday, so they can work longer hours to finish their works in only three day and have the other four days to have a break. In my opinion, I definately disagree this statement, there are my views.

　　这个段落出现了很多语言错误，但是并不影响语意：

　　1. 一句话出现多个谓语，应该改为thinking

　　2. 名词单复数错误，应该改为three days

　　3. 拼写错误，应该改为definitely

　　4. 动词词性错误，disagree是不及物动词，应该改为disagree with.

　　缺少连词，并且句子不够语意连贯，应该改为I definitely disagree with this statement for the following reasons.

　　Part2

　　To start, the rate of work efficiency will be decreased. We are usually tired from a eight hours work day and at the end of the work, we generally don’t want to more works and just wait to go home. If we have more hours to work, it means we will be more tired when we are working; thereby, we will do something unefficient and we can’t concentrate on our job.

　　首先，这个段落出现了很多语法和语意错误。

　　1. Decrease可以做及物动词或者不及物动词，这里句意是效率自己下降，而不是被下降，应该改为will decrease.

　　2. 固定搭配使用错误，应该改为be tired of.

　　3. 冠词错误，应该改为an.

　　4. 词性错误，这里八小时指的是形容词Eight-hour

　　5. 缺少动词，want to do sth.，应该改为want to do

　　6. 词性错误 这里unefficient拼写错误且应该是副词形式，应该改为inefficiently

　　7. 逻辑词使用不恰当，效率不高和无法集中于工作不是并列关系，前者包括了后者，应该改为we will fail to concentrate on our job and finally waste a great amount of time.

　　第二，作者在论证过程中提到了八个小时的工作，但是和题目中的工作5天还是3天没没能建立直接的关系，有一定的思维断层。(这是3分的connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured)

　　第三，有些词使用比较抽象，tired, inefficient都是一些抽象的词语，感觉会比较空洞，最好有一些具体的人或事把这些抽象的词语讲清楚，如so tired that we just want to sleep。(这是3分标准中accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary)

　　Part3

　　Secondly, the four days break longer than three days job, which means that we probably become more and more lazy. Our regular life is that we wake up at 7 o’clock in the morning and we go to bed at 11 o’clock in the evening. However, we may stay up all night and sleep all morning when we are in holiday to play games, watch TV-series, cartoon and some sport games. When we in the day before work, we can’t adjust our plan so quickly, so we maybe late at first day and feel sleepy.

　　首先，这个段落出现了很多语法和语意错误。

　　1. 句子不完整，缺乏谓语动词，应该改为 break is longer than

　　2. Four days和three days是名词，需要改成形容词形式。应该改为Four-day和three-day

　　3. 句子不完整，缺乏谓语动词，应该改为 we are in the day

　　第二，这个段落因为语法问题导致了语意不清楚，导致难以理解。However, we may stay up all night and sleep all morning when we are in holiday to play games, watch TV-series, cartoon and some sport games. 这句话中“when we are in holiday”有歧义，既可以理解为“我们在假期熬夜来玩游戏和看电视剧”，也可以理解为“当我们在假期玩游戏和看电视剧时，我们在熬夜”，第二个理解方式很明显是不合理的。应该改为However, when we are in holiday, we may stay up all night and sleep all morning to play games, watch TV-series, cartoon and some sport games. (这是3分标准中accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary)

　　第三，整个段落都主要讨论了假期综合症，但是并没有说明到底应该是5天工作还是3天工作。无论哪种工作模式都有假期综合症，并不能支持作者的观点。

　　可以改为：

　　Secondly, the four-day break is longer than three-day job, which means that we probably become more and more lazy. Our regular life is that we wake up at 7 o’clock in the morning and we go to bed at 11 o’clock in the evening. However, when we are in holiday, we may stay up all night and sleep all morning to play games, watch TV-series, cartoon and some sport games. It is human nature that people tend to slow down without pressure and urgence. The longer our holiday lasts, the more easily we will adapt to our current slow-paced life, and the more time we will need to adjust ourselves before we are already well-prepared for the work after the holiday.

　　Part4

　　Finally, we all know that human is greedy. If government give them four days to have a enjoy time, they may want more days to enjoy! After that, the week will become just one day to work and six day to break and it is not just a joke. For example, I don’t want to have homework to finish at weekend, so I promise to my teacher to finish those in Friday so that I can do what I am enjoyed to do. However, I want more time to play, so I even do my homework when teacher is speaking. It is a mistake when teacher tell me, I recognize my fault and do those in weekend.

　　首先，这个段落出现了很多语法和语意错误。(这是3分标准中accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary)

　　1. 主谓不一致，应该改为gives

　　2. 词性有误，enjoy是动词，而这里应该是形容词，应该改为relaxing time

　　3. 名词单复数错误，应该改为six days

　　4. 词性错误，break作为动词不是休息而是打破，应该改为have a rest

　　5. 逻辑词使用不恰当，and指顺承和并列的关系，而这里it is not just a joke和前面的半句语意衔接非常突兀，不如删除。

　　另外，这个段落同样没有足够支撑作者的观点。(这是3分的connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured)

　　1. 段落开头提出人们是贪心的，如果政府给了更多的休息时间，那么他们可能想要休息比这更多的休息时间。后面的句子却说“一星期就会有一天的上班时间和六天的休息时间”，这句话并不会是人们贪心的必然结果，语意上没有什么联系。

　　2. 例子主要讲了学生会为了提前去玩而快速完成作业这件事情。作业本来应该在周末完成，但是学生为了休息时间提前上课写作业，被老师指出这件事是错误的。第一，学生为了休息提前完成任务从正常人的思维来看，正是效率高的表现。因此，不能支撑5天工作时间更好这个观点。第二，例子论证不够充分。比如：老师指出这件事是错误的只能说明老师不同意你的做法，但是不能论证这个做法就是错误的。

　　可以改为：

　　Finally, people may fail to take the working performance into consideration when they are required to finish the work in such a short term. To state it more clearly, the workload for five days has to be accomplished in three days; thus, people have to deal with tiredness and pressure for deadline. Under this unfavorable circumstance, it is unlikely for people to deal with their work seriously in case of possible mistakes. For example, I didn’t want to have homework finished at weekends when I was in high school, because I wanted to have more flexible time to do what I like. Therefore, I finished my homework in a hurry on Friday, but finally found that I only got 50% accuracy, nearly 30% lower than average. From my own experience, it is obvious that the length of working time must be ensured.

　　Part5

　　We can’t deny that more enjoyable to our life is important, but I think the work and study is more essential to our life. We borned not just for fun but for giving our power to this society and making more value to this world.

　　这个段落也出现了很多语法和语意错误。(这是3分标准中accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary)

　　1. That引导的名词性从句应该是个完整的句子，应该改为：more enjoyment to our life

　　2. 主谓一致错误，应该改为：are

　　3. 动词过去式错误，应该改为：born

　　4. 中式表达，应该改为：creating more value

　　最后总结

　　总而言之，从这位学生的作文可以反映出主要两个方面的不足：

　　1. 语言。要想作文的分数达到更高的水平，语言错误需要大量减少，不能出现任何影响理解的语言错误，例如逻辑词的错误使用。

　　2. 段内逻辑。每个主体段必须支持自己的立场。段内的论证和展开不可偏题，必须和题目产生逻辑关系。

　　所以，在写完一篇文章后，一定要仔细检查哦!

　　以上就是为大家整理的“托福写作从Fair到Good怎么做”，更多精彩内容请关注新东方在线托福频道!