托福独立写作的实例解析 　　

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　　实例

　　Some people say that computers have made life easier and more convenient. Other people say that computers have made life more complex and stressful. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

　　存在问题

　　(1) 相对较多的语法错误，这会直接影响到写作的最终得分。

　　(2)文章第二段的主体部分应该在深入扩展一下，多寻找一些sub-point来支持你的topic,而且文章的字数也刚过标准线250字，这需要引起关注。

　　It is no denying that the greatest invention in the latest 50 years is personal computer, and now, more than half families have at least one computer and the access to the internet.Paired withinternet, the computer has not only changed the way we know the world, but also changed the way we live. Though the new tool might make some older people feel difficult to learn, which would cause some stress and complexity to them. However, I believe that computers bring many advantages do have made our lives much easier and more convenient.

　　Number one, computers make us easy to learn. Using computers with internet, people will find the information they need very quickly, may be just a few seconds. By this way, we are able to get enough materials related to the subjects, thus we can learn something usefulvery efficient and effectively.Number two, computers change the way we shop. Nowadays, people are able to purchase things online. Only we do is clicking on web site for several times, then the money is paid, the things are delivered home by home.Number three, thanks to the computers; internet becomes a new kind of media. Internet makes people easy to communicate by emails, instant messages, and blogs. From this aspect, Internet equalizes the rich and poor, because it makes every person whether he/shepossessthe powerhave access to voice their opinion.

　　In conclusion, it is computer and internet that our lives have been greatly changed by. After all, the computer technology has been involved almost in every industry, so it is a trend to use computers to help us live better. Therefore, it is wise to learn more computer skills, because they can reward you someday.

　　解析

　　(1)W: However, I believe that computers bring many advantages do have made our lives much easier and more convenient.

　　R: However, I believe that computers bring many advantages to/ which do have made our lives much easier and more convenient.

　　(2) Number one, number two, number three这种使用方法是需要彻底否定的，在写作中我们通常使用：First/second或者firstly/secondly,这种错误一定要引起注意喽!

　　(3)W: By this way, we are able to get enough materials related to the subjects, thus we can learn something useful very efficient and effectively.

　　R: By this way, we are able to get enough materials related to the subjects, thus we can learn something useful very efficiently/effectively

　　说明：这里应该使用efficiently而非efficient。Moreover, efficiently and effectively both mean “有效地，效率高地”，所以在这里只留其一即可，不然就造成重复。

　　(4)W: Number two, computers change the way we shop.

　　R: Number two, computers change the way we do/ go shopping.

　　说明：表示购物的表达方式：Do/go shopping而非名词shop。

　　(5) W: From this aspect, Internet equalizes the rich and poor, because it makes every person whether he/she possess the power have access to voice their opinion.

　　R: From this aspect, Internet equalizes the rich and poor, because it makes every person whether he/she possesses the power have right to express/ give/ state their opinions.

　　说明：表示有权利发表意见：Have right to express/give /state their opinions. Have access to voice their opinions用在这里不是很恰当!

　　有关voice的短语：

　　√Have little, some, no, a voice in the matter对事件有一点、没有意见

　　√Give voice to something表露(感情、忧虑等)：Give voice to indignation/ dismay/ concern.

　　√With one voice=unanimously异口同声地，一致地：With one voice, the workers voted to strike.

　　Have access to somebody/ something表示利用某物或接近某人的权利或机会

　　eg. A dictionary allows quick access to the meaning of a word only if one knows how to spell the word.

　　(6)W: Paired withinternet, the computer has not only changed the way we know the world, but also changed the way we live.

　　R: The computer has not only changed the way we know the world, but also changed the way we live.

　　说明：Paired with通常用于被动语态，表示使人或者物成对成双，所以用在这里不是很合适，而且本文主要讨论的是关于computer，所以只留其做主语即可。

　　有关Paired with的短语：

　　√pair A with B使人或者物成对成双, arrange people/ things in a pair or pairs.

　　eg.I have been ~ with Bob in the next round of the competition.

　　√~ with somebody; ~ A with B使敌对两党各一议员相约放弃投票权

　　eg. For this vote, two of our members were paired with two from the other party.

　　√使成双成对的两种表达方式

　　A pair somebody/ something off with somebody

　　eg. Her parents tried to pair her off with a rich neighbor.

　　B pair up with somebody

　　eg. They each paired up with their opposite number from the other school to exchange ideas.

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