托福写作29分作文对比解析

　　托福写作低分作文解析

　　葛某某写作limited

　　In this modern society, mounting students are desire on having a higher academicperformance. One fact that we can’t deny is that the relationship between theacademic performances and the number of subjects students learned are closelyrelated. When it comes to the topic, an increasing number of high schoolstudents think that students should only concentrated on three or four subjectssince put their concentration only ona few subjects can help them improve effenicyand make fewer mistakes. However, the professors and teachers in thehigh school rebut this idea by pointing that studentsshould study many different subjects at the same time since students main task and mission is to study, and study various subjects are good for their future development.While people’s notions vary, I still hold the point that high school studentsshould study three or four subjects at a time.

　　To begin with, it is indispensablethat when people have less work jobto do, their efficient can beensured. To be specific, students can pay more attention on their tasks andassignments and will spend more time on checking them. My tutor has done anexperiment for about 5 years. He divided people into two groups. One is tostudy on only 3 subjects and another is divided into many tasks. They were both required study in the same amount of time.However, after one year later, when their result showed that the studentsin the group that only study threesubjects performed a higher level than another group since they have lessmistakes and they can put all their concentrations on these main subjects.

　　Furthermore, it is undeniable that students now in highschool have less time to relax since theyhave too much subjects should review and study which is not good fortheir physical health. To illustrate, because students now have too muchhomework and assignments to complete, they have too much pressure and burdenwhich leaves them no time to relax. A recent report that comes out from ChinaDaily suggest that, there are 22.4%people are high school students among Beijing’s population and 88.6% of them claim that they have morethan 9 subjects that should study inone semester. And among these students, 93.4%suggests that they even have no time to have fun with their friends or playcomputer games on the weekends. Nearly 98% students claim that they are undertoo much pressure since there are too many subjects to study and review. Manystudents suggest that if they have less study burden, they will have more than66.7% time on their recreational activities. Therefore, students should concentrate less subjects and have moretime on recreational activities which is both good for their mental andphysical health.

　　In the final analysis, though teachers suggest thatstudents should learn various subjects since this can let them be a generalistsand good for their future development. It is lackluster when it compares to myopinion since concentrate on fewersubjects at one time can help students get a higher academic performance and improve their efficiently by making fewermistakes. Consequently, I still hold the point that students should study onlythree or four subjects at one time instead of study different subjects at thesame time.

　　点评：

　　标粗的地方不是细节写的好，全部都是语法错误，满满的泪水啊。21处的语法问题直接导致文章最多3分，不要问我第三段的几个数据怎么还标出错误了，你见过用百分比表示人口还有小数点的?!难道把人分尸了?因此，语法的正确与否非常影响分数，一个28分+的作文，基本是挑不到任何语言使用的错误的。

　　但是光有语法错误，还不至于能低到limited，那我们就来看看，到底是什么原因，这篇文章连fair都拿不到。

　　我们再看这第一个主体段落

　　To begin with, it is indispensable that when people haveless work job to do, their efficient can be ensured. To bespecific, students can pay more attention on their tasks and assignments andwill spend more time on checking them. My tutor has done an experiment forabout 5 years. He divided people into two groups. One is to study on only 3subjects and another is divided into many tasks. They were both required studyin the same amount of time. However, after one year later, when their resultshowed that the students in the group that only study three subjects performeda higher level than another group since theyhave less mistakes and they can put all their concentrations on these mainsubjects.

　　点评：

　　这个段落的分论点是工作少，效率高。我们先不讨论这篇文章说的是不是工作吧，哎，其实分论点就有点跑偏了。我们现在看看她在后面的展开中如何论证工作少就效率高的，看来看去，只有最后这个标红的地方才是真正有价值的，中间的对于分组不分组的讨论，都是套个框架，有任何价值信息吗?所以并无卵用。

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